


Duncan Kane and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day

by cheshirecatstrut



Category: Veronica Mars (TV)
Genre: Cartoon Physics, F/M, Farce, Murder Mystery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-18
Updated: 2016-06-18
Packaged: 2018-07-15 20:01:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7236466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cheshirecatstrut/pseuds/cheshirecatstrut
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clue's no longer just a game...now it's a fanfic! AKA the very silly story of how Duncan Kane met his demise, as related by Logan Echolls.</p>
<p>This is the background story for the Vmheadquarters Veronica Mars Clue Game. Congratulations to prizewinners smoakingmarshmallow and romanticnotionsof20something!!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Duncan Kane and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day

[](http://imgur.com/phvMIas)

(All Clue Game artwork created by the lovely and talented CMackenzie)

“Hey, Logan, the gang’s all here,” Veronica calls, as she opens the door to the Mars Apartment, and waves her guests inside.

“Welcome to the jungle,” Logan says, adjusting the last of the appetizers on the coffee table. He gently shifts a drooling Backup to a safe distance. “Come on in, have a seat. And try a pastry. Baked fresh today!”

“You don’t want to eat those,” Veronica warns, as her visitors settle in folding chairs. “Trust me on this.”

“I guess you’re wondering why we called you here today,” Logan says, flopping down on the big brown couch. He grins at Veronica as she perches beside him. “I’ve always wanted to say that.”

“They KNOW,” she chides, shooting him a look. “They solved the mystery, just like we did. In some cases, BETTER than ONE of us did. Not that I’m naming names.”

“Ah, but do they know the whole story?” he asks. “Or just ‘it was Lamb at the Camelot with the Puka Shell Necklace!’ The devil’s in the details, right, pumpkin?”

“Then you should be the one to fill them in,” she says. “Seeing as you’re much more intimately acquainted with the devil.”

Logan fake-laughs, clutching his belly. She wrinkles her nose at him, and he kisses the bridge.

“So it all started one dark AND stormy November day…” Logan begins, spreading his hands before him to frame the scene. He’s sprawled across most of the sofa, slouched so low he’s bent almost in half.

“Oh please.” Veronica rolls her eyes. “There were like five raindrops. It’s SO-Cal.”

“Well it WAS dark,” he maintains, mock-scowling, nudging her feet aside so he can prop his on the coffee table. “Because it was six AM. I was displaying my SUPERLATIVE boyfriending skills, by assisting Mars here with her quaint little plebian employment duties.”

“He followed me to work at Java the Hut so he could score free coffee before surfing,” Veronica interjects.

Logan flattens his lips and brows in a stern look that doesn’t faze her. “Hey, I muscled the door open when the key stuck in the lock,” he says. “And I ALSO demonstrated my strength by lifting you onto the counter with one arm, so we could…”

“Stick to the story, there, Dickens,” she interrupts. “Nobody wants to know what health-code-violating things we allegedly did, in my place of employment, at 6 AM.”

“Fine,” he says. “So after we finished…writing up the daily specials, I went to grab a cup of espresso. Because I like my coffee like I like my…”

“DON’T say it,” she warns.

“Women,” he continues, smirking at her. “Hot as hell, and ready to go first thing in the morning.”

Veronica huffs, exasperated, and says, “What Logan is taking a very ROUNDABOUT route to explain is, he turned on the lights in the front room, and carried some ground coffee over to the machine. Where he found….”

“Duncan Kane,” Logan finishes, grimly. “Stuffed in the éclair case like a day-old cake. With a sign around his neck that read ‘Today’s special: Dead Donut’.”

“The last we heard, Duncan was on the run from the law,” Veronica puts in, patting Logan’s knee. “After committing a terrible crime with which neither of us was involved.”

Logan shoots her a sardonic look. “We called the police right away,” he says. “Despite the Neptune Sheriff’s tragic, congenital idiocy. At which point, OF COURSE suspicion fell on me. Because it ALWAYS does, despite the fact that I’ve never once been guilty.”

Veronica cough-mutters “Bum fights,” and he shoves her feet off the table with his toe. 

“Luckily,” he continues, harrumphing, “Veronica has a great fondness for my particular style of pastry-unwrapping, so she was willing to investigate, and prove my innocence. And for once, she even let me help!”

“Wallace was pulling an all-nighter at the Sac-N-Pac,” Veronica explains. “Mac was on a bean-dip-and-Nascar camping trip, and Dad was at a bail bondsman convention in Vegas. It’s not like I had a lot of options.”

“Yeah, none of them have been around much lately,” Logan agrees. “It’s weird; they show up just long enough to make a few quips and help solve a case, then disappear for WEEKS at a time. Luckily the bit players in our lives sometimes step up, and fill the gaping holes in the narrative.

“My first act,” he continues, “in a professional detecting capacity, was to determine that Duncan couldn’t have been killed on the scene. The doughnuts smashed beneath him were fresh, which means he was wedged in there AFTER the 5:00 AM Tastee Pastrees delivery.”

“Logan tried to eat one to make sure,” Veronica says, with a grimace. “But he relented after I threatened to never kiss him again.” She smiles, as the guests recoil from the snacks. “See? I WARNED you to steer clear.”

“The coroner’s initial exam was inconclusive,” Logan says, puckering his lips at her with a bob of eyebrows, and laughing when she shoves him away. “Duncan had a number of serious injuries, any one of which could have killed him. The consensus was, the wounds were accumulated over a four-hour time period, in at least six different locations.”

“Who knew so many people hated Donuts?” Veronica says, innocent, and Logan elbows her side.

“Veronica’s initial suspect was Celeste.” Logan holds up a finger to indicate ‘first’. “I, of course, maintained that she would never, because Duncan was her favorite pampered precious. But some participants in this conversation can’t stand her, so she stayed on the list.”

“Hey, I had actual fact-based reasons,” Veronica protests. “Although, sure, loathing her made the theory more fun.”

“We went surfing the day before,” Logan explains. “Or rather, I went surfing while Veronica lounged on the beach blanket, reading a few relaxing chapters of ‘Remembrance of Things Past’. I left my puka shell necklace in her bag for safekeeping, and it somehow ‘accidentally’ fell out into the sand.”

“I HAPPENED to glance back,” Veronica says, “as we were leaving to get sno-cones, and saw Celeste pick something up from the spot where we’d been sitting. Of course, I had NO IDEA at the time what could have possibly been left behind. But later I was able to connect the dots.”

“Celeste was at the beach searching for Duncan,” Logan says, shielding his replacement shark’s tooth with his palm. “He saw on the news that Meg had faked her death, then emerged from hiding when her parents were convicted of embezzlement. So he came back home and gave her the baby. He’s been sitting at the Kane mansion, watching old dance team practice videos, ever since.”

“He must have really missed Lilly,” Veronica says sadly, resting her cheek on Logan’s shoulder.

“They were Dance Team videos of YOU,” Logan corrects, stroking her hair. “But I digress. Celeste knew Duncan hung out on Dog Beach Sundays, collecting driftwood for those sculptures he whittles, and she followed him to beg for money. Apparently there was a no-damaging-publicity clause in her pre-nup, which she violated by framing Abel Koontz for murder. Jake’s lawyers screwed her out of everything when he filed for divorce.”

“Duncan came back from Australia off his meds,” Veronica continues. “He claimed that clean living had raised his energy level into the stratosphere. Celeste suspected something was up, due to all the spontaneous singing and dancing. But every time she tried to reason with him, he’d break down sobbing, and beg her to let him date me.”

“OR he’d switch to falsetto,” Logan adds, “which she found equally unnerving.”

“Celeste located him at Café Zen; he was looking at pictures of me on his laptop, because he ‘felt closest to me near the beach where Backup once played’. She slammed it shut on his fingers when he wouldn’t admit that Logan and I are dating, breaking both the screen and his left pinkie.”

“It was his new deluxe laptop with the splash guard, too,” Logan says. “If he hadn’t died, THAT would have cramped his style during ‘evening relaxation time’.”

Veronica shoots him a dirty look, but he maintains his innocent expression. “After Celeste stormed off, Duncan reportedly drove to Neptune High...”

“According to Madison, who told Caitlyn, who told Carrie,” Logan puts in. “Madison was scarfing an ice cream sundae at Amy’s, although she CLAIMS it was one scoop of fat-free yogurt, when she heard Duncan muttering something about the school nurse.”

“The nurse was on lunch break, though. So Duncan approached our next suspect, Shelly Pomroy. She was visiting her locker, in between classes.”

“Shelly slept with my Dad last year.” Logan grabs a bowl of Cheetos from the table, offers some to their guests, and then feeds one to Veronica. “He was celebrating his Golden Globe win with hard cider at a Malibu beach party. Dad took her home to show her the rest of his trophies, and she stole his ‘Calling Mr. Hemingway’ Oscar while he slept off the binge.”

“She thinks Logan doesn’t know,” Veronica explains, “but really he finds the whole thing funny. The one object of value associated with that movie is part of a locker-shelf shrine to Chad Michael Murray.”

“Duncan’s worst head wound contained traces of gold,” Logan says. “Which is why suspicion fell on Shelly. When questioned, she broke down, screaming ‘He called me Veronica one too many times!’”

“We’re not sure Duncan ever realized she WASN’T me,” Veronica adds, “while they were dating, I mean. Apparently he asked if she had time between cases to take him to the doctor, and that was the last straw.”

“She never actually looked like you,” Logan muses, around a mouthful of snack. “Except for that one month Junior Year. But you know how Duncan gets when he hasn’t taken his Thorazine.”

“An empty band-aid box and a flyer for Triton Karaoke were found beneath Duncan’s open locker,” Veronica says, appropriating the Cheetos. “Which hinted he’d gone to Java the Hut to track me down.”

“It’s a route he’d be able to drive with a concussion,” Logan says, drily. “Considering he spent every day there, last summer, staring at you while you worked.”

“Meg Manning happened to be at the Hut with baby Lilly, when he arrived,” Veronica continues, running a soothing hand through Logan’s hair. “She was drowning her single-mom sorrows in German Chocolate Nutgasm, since it’s not like she ever gets to sleep.”

“Veronica was actually on the clock last night,” Logan puts in. “If Duncan had successfully found her, this entire Greek tragedy might have been avoided. But she spent most of her shift in the XTerra with me, um…taking out the trash. She missed the whole fiasco.”

“Duncan decided to entertain our patrons with a heartfelt rendition of ‘Sunrise, Sunset’,” Veronica says, shaking her head. “When questioned, Meg admitted she snapped. But her rationale was ‘How hard is it to carry a tune?’ Which I have to say, I kind of GET.”

“Meg knew Veronica’s bag was stashed behind the counter; she managed to sneak back there and steal her taser while everyone was staring slack-jawed at Duncan. She turned it all the way to high, and zapped that poor bastard right in the balls. One of the Karaoke regulars, this dude named Lars, claimed she screamed, “FEELS JUST LIKE LABOR, DOESN’T IT?” as she watched him writhe.”

“On the plus side, Lars’ girlfriend Karen had a change of heart about him, after half an hour of Duncan,” Veronica adds. “They’re happily dating again, and the Brett Incident is all but forgotten.”

“The next ten minutes are a little fuzzy,” Logan says. “Because Duncan was unconscious on the floor. But a Neptune Grand matchbook was found near the place where he was sprawled. We think he spotted it upon waking, and decided he’d ask ME for help. He sent one of his little stamped Secret Society notes to the Grand Trident or whatever, and hit his fellow Tritons up for a ride.”

“Kendall Casablancas was present in the suite when he arrived,” Veronica says. She shoots a flinty look at Logan, who makes a hands-off not-my-fault gesture. “She CLAIMED Duncan asked her to meet him there. But his personalized Tiffany pen set, and six pairs of his Earl cufflinks, were found in her purse. Logan never bothered to clear out Duncan’s room, after he took off for parts unknown.”

“I was keeping his stuff safe for when he came back,” Logan says defensively, reaching across Veronica for more Cheetos. She smacks his hand. “It never occurred to me he’d stay away until someone held a taser to his nuts.”

“It seems to have occurred to Kendall,” Veronica says. “Since she took your absence from home as an invitation to rob him blind.”

“Makes me glad all my valuables burned,” Logan says, clasping Veronica’s hand tenderly and kissing the back, “in the mysterious house fire that made it necessary to rebuild. Anyway, Duncan must have forgotten he didn’t live with me, because he took the excuse for her presence at face value. He’d even recovered enough, by that point, to make…date-like advances. But a printout of Kendall’s bank transactions…obtained COMPLETELY legally… explains what happened next. His last $6k check to her bounced—the one where he wrote ‘shower’ in the ‘for’ line. Her reaction should come as no surprise.”

“Kendall says she told him they were over, and he protested,” Veronica explains. “She further claims Duncan asked to run a tab, pay with a credit card, or comp her free food from the Grand. He even offered her Pirate Points. But, unlike Logan last semester, he apparently didn’t get…privileges without cash in hand.”

“I provided other services,” Logan says, with a smirk, and Veronica punches his arm.

“ANYWAY, Logan’s surfboard was propped against the wall of the suite,” she continues, acid. “It needed some….modifications before it was fit to ride.”

“Dick superglued a ceramic unicorn to the prow,” Logan puts in. “He thought it added a super-gnarly retro touch. His own board boasts a hula-girl hood ornament.”

“He didn’t glue it on very well, though,” Veronica says. “When Kendall hit Duncan across the chest with the board, the unicorn fell right off.”

“No harm done,” Logan says, somewhat defensively. “I mean, except to Duncan’s torso, it was bruised all to hell and covered with green Sex Wax. But be that as it may; after Kendall stormed off and he recovered, he clearly decided he LIKED the unicorn. When he left the suite, he took it along.”

“He was probably trying to return it to you,” Veronica chides. “He rode the hotel shuttle to the Echolls mansion, presumably in search of Logan.”

“Unfortunately, he found Dick instead,” Logan says. He picks up a Pepsi from the array of sodas, pops it open and drinks. “We were supposed to meet there, but I…took out the trash with Veronica one last time, so I was running late.”

Veronica elbows him. “Dick soothed his pain by drinking the vodka in Logan’s Tiki Bar, and inviting all his friends to an impromptu party. Nobody had arrived yet when Duncan showed up, but Dick was three sheets to the wind.”

“He didn’t take the whole unicorn thing well,” Logan says. “Duncan dropped it in front of him and whimpered, which I guess was a plea for help, but Dick… kind of lost his cool.”

“We read a transcript of Dick’s rant, to the deputy who gave him his breathalyzer,” Veronica says. “It was all about how he was a WAY better friend to Logan, and Duncan was a surfboard-destroying thief. Eventually he confessed that he threw the unicorn at Duncan, and it lodged in his chest.”

“It got stuck in the right side, near his armpit,” Logan says. “Just a flesh wound, basically. But Dick’s knowledge of anatomy being…primitive, he was convinced he’d stabbed Duncan through the heart. He freaked, and took off running.”

“Witnesses report that Duncan then staggered down the block to his own house, presumably to ask Celeste for a unicorn-ectomy,” Veronica continues. “Eight separate residents called the police. However, once they determined who it was, wandering around covered in blood, everyone agreed there should be no consequences.”

“Celeste wasn’t home,” Logan says, draping an arm around Veronica’s shoulders. “She went shopping at Nordstrom’s on Duncan’s Junior Men’s credit line. Vinnie Van Lowe, however, WAS present. He’d snuck into Lilly’s room via the service entrance, to take some tabloid-worthy photos. I’m not sure WHY, because Celeste turned it into a yoga studio a year ago. Then again, photos of me in my bathrobe sold for a quarter mil, so paps can make a buck off almost anything.”

“Those pictures were lucrative because your ABS were showing…NO BACKUP!” Veronica shoves the pit bull’s face out of the Cheeto bowl, and adds, “This is why I wanted to put snacks on the pass-through bar!”

“I’ll shut him in the bathroom,” Logan says, hopping up and grabbing the dog’s collar. “Carry on MacDuff, back in a flash.”

“Vinnie had to admit he broke-and-entered, because he was caught on the estate’s security cameras,” Veronica continues, watching Logan go. “But he claims he was terrified by the sight of Duncan staggering into the room, a unicorn protruding from his chest. Fearing bodily harm, he blinded Duncan with a camera flash, and fled to the safety of his van.”

“Duncan stumbled out to the saltwater pool,” Logan continues as he returns, sitting back down. “Where he promptly fell in, since he couldn’t see. He was rescued by his gardener; the only person on the property willing to save him from drowning.”

“This Good Samaritan, Ruben Velasquez, put Duncan in a cab, and told him Celeste was meeting Jessica Fuller for dinner at the new no-carb restaurant on Seventh and Vine,” Veronica says. “But Duncan got confused, and asked the cab driver to take him to the Seventh Veil.” She frowns. “The cabdriver said Duncan fastened the seatbelt over the unicorn, embedding it further, which HAD to sting.”

“One would THINK the idea of Celeste at the Seventh Veil would set alarm bells ringing,” Logan says, sardonic. “But Duncan paid the cover and went right in. He found Vice Principal Clemmons, instead.”

“Clemmons was retrieving his son Vincent, AKA Butters, from his nightly fake-ID-facilitated visit.” Veronica stretches, arms crossing over her head, and Logan watches the hem of her t-shirt ride up. “Vincent has a crush on an exotic dancer named Loretta Cancun.”

“He’s tried to woo her repeatedly with claims that he’s a radio personality,” Logan interjects. “But she seems uninterested in his offers to share his allowance.”

“Duncan followed Clemmons and Butters out of the bar, presumably to get the unicorn un-stuck,” Veronica says. “Unfortunately, however, Clemmons wanted nothing to do with the son of the School Board President’s best friend. He also had bigger fish to fry.”

“His wheel rims went MYSTERIOUSLY missing, while he was otherwise occupied,” Logan puts in. “Clemmons grabbed the tire iron lying on the sidewalk, and whacked Duncan—he later confessed he was hoping to cause amnesia. Then he and Butters climbed in the car and quickly drove away.”

“Luckily, Weevil was nearby to offer assistance,” Veronica says, and Logan snorts. “He was able to inform Duncan of Celeste’s whereabouts; he’d seen her, an hour earlier, entering a room at the Camelot. He even gave Duncan a ride in his sidecar, because that’s the kind of upstanding citizen he is.”

Logan favors Veronica with a long, slow look. She responds with an arched brow, and he refrains from comment. “The clerk at the Camelot remembers the motorcycle pulling up, just minutes after Celeste drove away. Her alibi was confirmed by her fellow Junior League members. Who all enjoyed a three-hour meeting about the Neptune Beautification Project, over tea and zero-calorie hors d’oeuvres.”

“They want to hang flower baskets from the lampposts in the ‘09 district,” Veronica says. “Apparently poles look tacky, in their bare-yet-functional state.”

“Weevil pointed out Celeste’s room to Duncan,” Logan says. “He broke in, and found Don Lamb sleeping, wearing nothing but a ton of hair gel.”

“When Lamb finally confessed, he claimed Duncan went berserk, punching and screaming; then yanked the unicorn out of his own chest and used it to attack,” Veronica says. “The only defensive weapon on hand was a puka shell necklace—LOGAN’S puka shell necklace—which Lamb removed after…activities, and left on the bedside table. He grabbed it up, and used to it strangle Duncan.”

“That thing proved surprisingly durable,” Logan says. “Despite Veronica’s MANY attempts to destroy it.”

“Well it’s locked up in evidence now, honey buns,” Veronica tells him, smugly. “So good luck ever getting it back.”

“Like I still want it, after its use for such a horrible purpose.” Logan shudders. “The fact that Lamb committed murder with it was pretty bad, too.”

“So once the deed was done,” Veronica continues, holding up a hand so Logan won’t quip, “confronted with a corpse and in need of a patsy, Lamb came up with his supposedly clever scheme. He decided to frame Logan, because, in his words, ‘everyone else does’.”

“He then dressed in the khakis, green t-shirt, plaid short-sleeved button down and Sketchers Celeste bought for him at Nordstrom’s—which honestly, is WAY too cool a ‘disguise’ for someone like Lamb to rock—and buckled Duncan’s corpse into the passenger seat of his Camry.” Logan leans back, folding his arms behind his head, and Veronica rolls her eyes. “After which, he drove all over town looking for somewhere to dump the body.”

“The Kane house was out, because Celeste lives there,” Veronica says. “And Lamb likes her well enough to shell out for three hours a week of hotel time. So his first stop was the still-unoccupied new Echolls Mansion, where he planned to dump Duncan in the pool.”

“Unfortunately for him, Dick’s party was in full swing,” Logan says. “Veronica and I missed it; Keith hadn’t returned from Vegas, so we decided to…..watch Netflix and chill at her place. But, while Dick himself was not, at that time, present, forty-seven of his nearest and dearest WERE.”

“Dick and Cassidy were driving up to the mansion as Lamb turned around to leave--WAY too many of the 09’ers know him for his presence to pass unnoticed,” Veronica says. “Dick waved at Duncan’s corpse as they passed, shouted, “Hey dude, glad you’re OK,” and continued up the drive. He later expressed shock that Duncan was dead, stating, “Man, he looked the same as usual.”

“Foiled once again, Lamb drove on to Dog Beach,” Logan says, shaking his head. “But the Moon Calf collective was there, celebrating the Summer Solstice with some dolphin-related ritual.”

“Lamb avoided the Seventh Veil, because apparently Loretta Cancun ‘knows things’ about him that he’d prefer to keep quiet,” Veronica says, “and continued on to Neptune High. He actually dragged Duncan inside, thinking he’d leave him in the gym. But Lucky the Janitor was there, waxing the hallway floor while wearing the School’s Mascot costume, and brandishing a large knife. So Lamb hauled Duncan back to the car.”

“He scoped out the Neptune Grand,” Logan continues. “But Deputy Sacks was in the lobby with our Health teacher, Mrs. Hauser, drinking Cosmos. Then he tried to drive to Hearst, but people kept honking and pointing at Duncan on the highway. In desperation, Lamb even considered Mars Investigations, since I….help Veronica file things there sometimes, while Keith’s solving cases. But the motion-activated cameras by both doors deterred him.”

“Finally, he settled on Java the Hut,” Veronica says. “Lamb comes in every morning for free coffee, which he calls ‘the Law Enforcement Discount’. He knows Logan drops me off for work; he loves to make rude comments while we’re….saying goodbye. So he parked in the back lot, waited for the bakery van to leave, and picked the lock on the rear door.”

“That’s why it jammed, when we tried to open it later,” Logan adds. “Turns out Lamb’s not nearly as good at lock-picking as…some people I could name.”

“He might have gotten away with his crime…” Veronica begins.

“If it wasn’t for us meddling kids?” Logan interjects. Veronica fake-scowls at him, and he winks.

“IF I hadn’t noticed, when Cliff and I paid Logan’s bail, that Lamb was wearing WAY too much hair gel, and Cigar Aficionado cologne.”

“Which, coincidentally, is my personal scent,” Logan says. “Veronica could recognize it anywhere, luckily for me.”

“So, as it turns out, this story had a happy ending,” Veronica concludes, cuddling close. “Well, for MOST people, anyway. Celeste inherited Duncan’s fortune, Logan was cleared of all charges, our town no longer has the world’s most problematic sheriff…and a lot of folks got to work out aggressions that might have otherwise required YEARS of therapy.”

“And SPEAKING OF working out aggression,” Logan says, running a palm caressingly down her arm. “Didn’t you say you were in the mood for….anger management, earlier?”

“You know, I think I DID,” Veronica says, with a grin. “Do you want to wrap up this tale of woe first, or should I?”

“And they all lived happily ever after,” Logan concludes, kissing her cheek. She smiles and sighs, turning her face up to his. “Except, of course, for Duncan Kane.” 

[](http://imgur.com/hh14FBc)

**Author's Note:**

> This story was collaboratively brainstormed. So many thanks to Rupert and the ladies of VMHQ, without whom it would have been much less funny.


End file.
